The Real Reason Bud Selig Will Not Retire

Patrick McDermott

Due to some supersecret superpowers completely made up knowledge, I have gained critical insight to the reason Bud Selig refuses to retire.

SCENE: Inside the Commissioner's Office

(knock knock)

1363654959 Come in.

1363656444 Hello sir. You wanted an update on our progress?

1363654959 That's exactly right. In 2006, I said I was going to retire in three years. That was based entirely on your representations that you would be able to build a robot Commissioner by 2009. It is now 2013 and I am beginning to look a little foolish.

1363656444 As you know, sir, we have had a few setbacks. Our programmers and engineers spent a lot of time trying to figure out if the robot Commissioner would stand up and applaud when A-Rod broke Bonds' home run record, or if he should sit there and ignore history like you did when Bonds' passed Aaron.

1363654959 Thank goodness we don't have to worry about that anymore. What is holding you back now?

1363656444The programmers are having a heck of a time trying to explain MLB's blackout policies. Did you know Iowans are blacked out from Cubs, White Sox, Brewers, Twins, Cardinals, and Royals games? They must really love baseball there, or hate it. I'm not sure, and the robot Commissioner doesn't understand it either.

1363654959 We take these matters seriously. We will have a committee look into it.

1363656444Good answer, sir. We will have no problems programming robot Commissioner to say that. What type of people should we put on the committee?

1363654959 Probably ex-managers, people who have been in the game for a long time.

1363656444 Sounds good. We should have no problem programming robot Commissioner to form a blue-ribbon panel filled with people who could not care less about the blackout issue. We still have a few other problems. The robot is very confused about the way you treated Frank McCourt compared to the treatment Jeffrey Loria has received.

1363654959 It's a complicated issue. The health of the game has never been stronger thanks to our owners.

1363656444 We can certainly have the robot Commissioner say that, sir. However, robots are very logical beings. If you can elaborate a little bit, it might help. Jeffrey Loria was the owner while the Expos were destroyed and is now making a mockery of the Marlins. You rewarded him the first time, and now you are letting him slide by.

1363654959 Montreal just could not support a baseball team.

1363656444 Unfortunately, the robot Commissioner has been programmed with attendance figures showing the Expos were doing pretty well in the 80s and 90s before the strike.

1363654959 The Marlins won the World Series in 2003.

1363656444 As you requested, robot Commissioner has been programmed with all playoff appearances, so he knows the Dodgers made the playoffs four different times while McCourt was owner.

1363654959 He was using the team as his personal ATM.

1363656444 You really are not providing much help in clarifying the logic for the robot. He is aware that Loria has been pocketing revenue sharing money, received a publicly financed stadium, and slashed payroll despite being in the 11th largest media market.

1363654959 It's a complicated issue. The health of the game has never been stronger thanks to our owners.

1363656444 Very well then. There's still the issue of Oakland moving to San Jose. After watching The Wire, as you for some reason requested, robot Commissioner believes the Athletics should simply be able to take San Jose if it wants to.

1363654959 I'm looking into it. We'll make a decision soon.

1363656444 I'm sure we can program the robot Commissioner to make that statement for a good three or four years. I will work on the changes and get back to you.

...SEVEN YEARS EARLIER...

1363654959 (on phone) Hello, is this the San Jose Chamber of Commerce?

1363659140 Why yes it is, how can I help you?

1363654959 I've been calling you folks for weeks. As you should know I intend to retire in a few years, and I am interested in San Jose and have been waiting for some information.

1363659140 We take these matters seriously. We will have a committee look into it.

1363654959 What good will that do? Why can't you just send me information?

1363659140 It's a complicated issue. The health of San Jose has never been stronger thanks to our citizens.

1363654959 That makes no sense at all. Can you please just send me the information I requested?

1363659140 I'm looking into it. We'll make a decision soon.

1363654959 (slams down phone). I'll show them. I'll show them all (maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh).

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