Sources close to the Yankees front office say the Yankees will look to void their contract with the stadium cheese provider for allegations surrounding a known flavor enhancing substance, MSG. While there is anecdotal evidence of headaches, numbness, and chest pain associated with MSG use, there is very little in the way of science to back up MSG as the cause of any of these problems.
Most columnists are expected to ignore the evidence, demand guilty parties come forward, and then write that the admissions were not good enough for their liking. Constance Bastian of the Turnpike Monitor wrote, "The use of these substances is getting out of hand. MSG is tainting the game for children. Baseball is literally losing a generation of fans, never to get them back as they begin to follow football, MMA, and Hunger Games."
The cheese ring (which sounds like a savory snack but is unfortunately not served at the stadium) is believed to be quite intricate. Unsubstantiated rumors exist that the distributors used a complex system of trucks and tunnels to gain entry to the stadium where the dealers, known in some circles as "vendors", used a unique "chip" delivery system so that addicts could get their fix. No details were provided and it is unclear just how deep this ring of lies and flavor goes. It is not yet known if the Yankees have any grounds to void the contract given the power of Cheddar and Cheese-Like Substances Local 59.
When asked to comment, Stan Stannington, Yankees VP of Foodstuffs and Canadian Scouting, said it would be premature to conclude the Yankees would void the contract. "We are as shocked as anyone about these allegations. It may take a long time to figure out exactly how pervasive this problem is and what the long term damages are. I can assure you we are looking into every possible avenue and exploring all of our options. I have already talked with the Concessions Hall of Fame. It looks like they will remain on the ballot, but I've been assured the chances of admission appear slim."
Stannington was informed that MSG is merely a common additive found in many foods. He replied, "The Yankees are doing their best to make sure that only natural substances are served at the stadium; you know, hot dogs, high fructose corn syrup, and the like."
When Stannington found out MSG was in fact natural and not likely harmful, he became agitated. "MSG is short for some complicated words that are hard to pronounce. As a result, we have placed almost all acronyms on our banned substances list. Our main issue here is the safety and enjoyment of our fans. That, and acronyms."
Stannington was emphatic that any money saved would go back into providing only the freshest of foods at the ballpark. "Only our players are past their expiration date, I mean, ummm, don't print that." He ended the interview by claiming the need to scout a player in Saskatchewan, stating "Yeah, I've been scouting this player in Canada for a while. I saw him play at a baseball camp last summer. My colleagues don't think he exists, but yeah, I'm totally scouting a player in Canada."
As of this writing, no lawsuits have been filed.