Breaking news: a leaking mole inside the Yankees front office has revealed that the Yankees tendered a contract to every player in baseball two weeks ago. When it was explained to Randy Levine that most players were already under contract, he seemed not to notice. But at the very least that explains the recent flurry of signings. The much-anticipated locking up of Brian Gordon was the biggest of them, but we thought we’d shine the spotlight on two additions that might otherwise have gone overlooked: Kelly Johnson and Jacoby Ellsbury. Both are baseball players. Both have faces. And both, the front office would have you and I believe, will help this team supermount and then flatten any and all barriers to a twenty-eighth world championship. But what have the two done so far in their careers? We begin our fact crusade with Kelly Johnson.
Has Been Known to Like Two-For-the-Price-of-One Sales
Many are wondering how the Yankees could possibly stick to their Plan 189 plan when they’re busy giving five-year deals with three options to people they happened to be sitting next to on the subway. The trick is to hire players that can do more than just one thing. Like the time Kelly Johnson made two errors in the same play. Miss ball hit at me? Check. Dispatch ball into next time zone? Check.
Has Been Known to Be Bionic
The only way he can throw the ball that hard while lying down on his throwing arm is if he has a mechanical hand cannon that sucks the ball in and then shoots it out.
Has Been Known to Be Weird
It’s like his own feet rejected him. "Get off, you. We never liked you in the first place."
Our prognosis on Johnson, then: some players just have bad stuff happen to them, and Kelly Johnson is one of those players. It’s going to be a great year. And Jacoby Ellsbury?
Has Been Known to Be Boring
Sadly, every second Jacoby Ellsbury highlight involves him making a diving catch, and each of those diving catches is precisely identical to the last. Just consider the two cherry-picked examples above. You might attempt to claim this is a good thing. "Finally," I hear you saying, "a consistent presence in the outfield to match Brett Gardner." But this is no good for the GIF industry. Too many straightlaced players like Ellsbury and I’m out of a job. Get off my team, Sir. You’re useful and you’re capable and you make me sick. You’re no Kelly Johnson, that’s for sure.
Has Been Known to Get Injured
Has Been Known to Make Haste
Has Been Known to Have a Name That Mystifies People
My real problem with this signing is that the front office has brought in a man whose name evidently confounds everybody. For seven years we’ll have to bear commenters and commentators referring to him as "Jacob." Excuse me, Sir or Madam, but I believe there is a 'y' at the end of that name. And his family name adds even more confusion.
The good news is that Jacoby survived being thrown into the shredder because evidently the MLB Network mutilated somebody called "Ellbsbury" instead.
Was it Ellsbury? Is there a possibility it was, like, Calvin Schiraldi out there pinch-running or something? I’m just wondering. I don’t have the answers, I’m just questioning. I’m a skeptic, understand. I don’t just accept what people tell me. I query. I investigate. Did you see it with your own eyes, or are you just going to rely on what the TV told you? Shaking my head.
In our semi-regular tradition where we attempt to preempt New York Post, New York Daily News and ESPN headlines, here are some potential one-line jobs which, when they are inevitably stolen from here, will allow us to shout from an observation tower upon a rooftop, "We were first, you poopy nincoms!"
Ja Kobe: Ellsbury greets a visiting Kobe Bryant with smile and lukewarm handshake
Ells Bells: Dionysian rejoicings in the Bronx as Ellsbury Jac-s walk-off pop-up into stands
Burying the Past: Jacoby leads rout against BoSox; stands atop dugout and shaves beard allowing clippings to flutter down onto writhing Boston bench coach
Wacko Jac-o: Shock and horror reverberates laterally amongst baseball intelligencia when, after injury-free year, Ellsbury reveals he is actually a pitcher who requires Tommy John surgery
- Yankees Sign Jacoby Ellsbury: What number will he wear?
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- Evaluating the Yankees' current team core