Alex Rodriguez seems intent on suing everyone and may soon run out of defendants. In the interest of helping him along, I've drawn up a list of people and entities he might want to consider suing:
1. Randy Levine, for having the worst hair-do in the Western Hemisphere.
2. The U.S. Congress, for shutting down the government and taking attention away from him.
3. The Alphabet, for containing the letters P, E and D.
4. Mike Lupica, for being vertically challenged.
5. Chris Stewart, just to make us fans happy.
6. Hank Steinbrenner, for being stupid enough to sign him to a 10-year $275 million contract, thereby raising expectations that he would, well, play like a $275 million player.
7. Lance Armstrong, for beating him to the punch with the whole poor-me/victim/witch-hunt act.
8. Andy Pettitte, for casting him in a bad light by humbly admitting his PED use, expressing genuine remorse and moving forward without the aid of an army of lawyers, crisis managers and flacks.
9. Rawlings, for making baseballs that don't travel as far as they used to.
10. Louisville Slugger, for making bats that don't drive the ball as far as they used to.
11. Dr. Bryan Kelley, for repairing his hip so that he could get back on the field and show everyone that he is a shadow of the player he used to be.
12. Nick Swisher, for choking in the post-season worse than him.
13. George Steinbrenner, for dying.
14. Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera, for playing their careers and conducting their lives with the kind of class and dignity that highlight what a phony Rodriguez is.
15. The Major League Players' Association, for having the unmitigated gall to stand up for the interests of the clean players who actually think ballgames should be decided by talent, not chemistry.
16. Michael Kay, for having a head the size of a small planet.
17. Brian Cashman, just because.
18. John Sterling, for his "A-Bomb by A-Rod" HR call, thereby suggesting that Rodriguez was somehow responsible for the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
19. Harry Truman, for stealing the credit for the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
20. Hispanics Across America, just to show that he's an equal-opportunity litigant.
21. A-Rod Himself, for using PEDs despite Hall-of-Fame talent and allowing his oversize ego to turn what should have been a career for the ages into disgrace and fodder for late-night comedians.