Not long ago Damon Oppenheimer, vice President of Yankees amateur scouting, said this: "We're always looking to get players who can play for the New York Yankees and not just be Major Leaguers." This made me wonder, how does the organization evaluate mental makeup? So I did some
-hacking- research on the internet and discovered the exam that they have all of their prospective players take. I am sharing it with you now so that you can take it and see for yourself whether you can 'handle New York.'
Please select the correct or most appropriate answer.
1. Does defense matter?
A. Not if you did the flip play back in 2001.
B. Run prevention is a huge part of baseball.
C. If I hit well enough I'll win a gold glove anyways.
D. As long as I don't have to get next to that scary right field wall!
2. Can you call a good game?
A. The fuck does that even mean?
B. Uh...sure. I can definitely do that...
3. You just got done working out and you notice your reflection in the mirror. What should you do next?
A. Go on with your day.
B. Make out with yourself.
C. Flex your biceps.
D. Make out with your biceps.
4. What is the best way to score runs?
A. Popping out to the shortstop.
B. Solo home runs.
C. Grounding out to first base.
D. All of the above.
5. When is it appropriate to grow a mustache?
A. The Yankees don't allow facial hair.
B. Whenever I want I guess.
C. As long as I am a gritty white corner infielder.
D. Until Gillette hooks me up with a sweet endorsement deal.
6. The Yankees just lost in the ALDS. Who do you blame?
A. The manager.
B. It's a team effort. We win or lose as a team.
C. I blame you.
7. You are making 23 million dollars a year and are terrible at baseball. Now what?
A. Make up a lung infection.
B. Juice press!
C. Mention your RBI total.
D. All of the above.
8. Is it out?
C. Do you want to see it?
9. You should make friends with every opposing player that reaches second base.
10. You are a catcher and can hit.
A. I look forward to a long successful career playing for the Yankees providing offense from a position scarce of run producers.
B. I should stop taking this test and apply somewhere else.
11. You have three plus pitches and have been a starter your whole life. The best place for you to pitch...
A. On a trampoline.
B. The starting rotation.
C. The eighth inning.
D. Wherever you want me I guess.
12. You are a starting pitcher that has had moderate success at every level in the minors. You finally reach the majors.
A. The Yankees will give me a chance.
B. My face will start appearing on the side of milk cartons.
C. Better get friendly with the bullpen gravity bong.
D. B and C.
13. Does Seattle know you are injured?
A. Shhhhhhh! Be quiet about that!
B. I'm not injured.
C. They know everything. Those bastards.
D. Of course not. ::wink::
14. There are runners in scoring position and you're up next. Your thoughts?
B. God Dammit!
D. I got this meng.
15. You are the backup catcher and the starting pitcher just stranded the bases loaded in the seventh inning with a strikeout. What would be the appropriate velocity of your fist pumps?
A. 10 mph.
B. 20 mph.
C. Like a hummingbird flaps it's wings.
D. I'm not one for emotion.
16. Perfume is an excellent addition to a well-rounded gift basket.
17. What type of presents will you bring?
C. I'm kind of broke and can't afford gifts.
D. A and B.
18. How are you going to tweet?
A. lyke im a 16 yr old txtin lulz.
B. I am going to tweet with complete sentences that include proper grammar.
C. You gays are askin me weird questions.
D. Like I'm way too enthusiastic about something!!! Go team!!!
19. When do you just have to tip your cap?
D. 69% of the time.
20. What does it take to pitch the ninth inning?
C. Nothing out of the ordinary. The save stat is fucking stupid.
D. The greatest cutter of all time
21. Playing for the Yankees there is a good chance that you will have to brawl with a masked opponent at some point in your career. Are you up to the task?
A. Bring 'em on!
B. Oh hell no.
C. Do I also get a mask?
22. If you want to make the team as a bench player, what skills should you develop?
B. The ability to jump over boxes.
C. Platoon power.
23. Is October the only month that matters?
A. No you fucking dipshit. We kind of have to make the playoffs in the previous months.
B. Yes! Because we wear the Pinstripes!
C. Well technically the playoffs extend into Novemeber...
24. Are you comfortable around midges?
A. Depends on how many.
B. Ah! Get them off!
C. The fuck is a midge?
25. Have you ever disrespected Flanny before?
26. If none of the other pitchers in the rotation look like they have dead arms in Spring Training, would you pick up the slack and develop some bullshit circulation problem?
A. You can count on me.
B. Why would I do that?
27. Is it your time to shine?
A. Well, I'd like it to be.
B. You bet your ass it is.
C. No that would be Nunez.
28. Your celebrity girlfriend should provide you with...
B. More headlines in the tabloids.
C. A movie cameo.
D. The ability to hit in the playoffs.
29. The easiest way for me to get on the Yankees is...
A. Nothing is easy.
B. Become an injured LOOGY.
C. Become a top prospect.
D. Hire Scott Boras.
30. If signed by the Yankees would you post on your real account?
A. THIS IS MY REAL ACCOUNT.
C. How much coin are we talking here?
Calculating your score
30-25: True Yankee
10-5 Bath salt eating cannibal fuck
5-0: Zack Grienke