The Dicktarditry Of The Astros AL Bowel Movement - I'mGivingYouARant

The Astros are moving to the AL West in 2013

Yay! I mean, what more can I say but Yay. Now the rest of the AL West will be a lot more competitive with the Astros in it. I'm no expert or statistical fanatic, but I imagine the other AL West teams are picturing a sandbag just with an Astros emblem on it. However, that punching bag joke aside, with this new movement we can definitely expect certain changes in the Major of Baseball Leagues in 2013. We can also expect certain things to stay the same. What I expect is for things to probably get stupider, more unbalanced, and things that will just make me hate my favorite sport & Bud Selig even more than I already do, and I'm an optimist. What do I think is going to happen? Find out after the jump

- A fuckton more interleague

For those who don't know me, you should know that I hate interleague play. Being that the AL and NL have two different set of rules, it makes no sense for a team from the AL to play a team from the NL during the regular season expect for the sole purpose of MLB sucking on the cashcock. Besides that graphic fact, it further goes to what I see is the main problem with the sport, being the unbalanced schedule. Since the AL and NL will now have an odd number of teams, that means that every series an AL team with have to play an NL team. Yay.

- More unbalanced schedulin'

Keep in mind, if they used this opportunity to balance the schedule, I wouldn't be that upset with it. However, since the brain trust at the MLB scheduling department can't even balance the schedule now, then I'd estimate that there's a 5% chance they can do it when they have to figure out how to balance it with year long interleague, and I'd just like to remind our readers that there's a 5% margin of error. I can guarantee that even with year long interleague, there's a good chance that we'll still play the Red Sox 19 games out of the year and the Royals 3-6. In fact...

- Narrative games forever, now in NL Cherry-asscondom flavor

We barely play the Royals or White Sox as it is. Why bother when you can get such golden eggshit Sunday Night Baseball ESPN coverage like the Yankees & Red Sox? In fact, why stop with just them? We played the Phillies in the 2009 World Series, so there's NO reason why there isn't a good narrative game there, with lots of 09' WS footage to insert during the game. Hey, the MTA is doing such a great job of screwing up subway service at night, so why can't MLB do the same with the Subway Series. Six games a year? Why not 9 or 12? Hey, they have to make that interleague game fit in there somewhere, so why not make some sweet sexy bank on it? In fact...

- Night owls rejoice. Possibly more West Coast games, biatches

You think that they won't exploit the classic Yankees/Dodgers or Yankees/Giants rivalries of the past? Hahahahaha....FOOL. Again, there's no reason not to. They have to play those interleague games, and they know that a Yankees & Dodgers game is prime-choice bullshit steak Sunday Night material. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe, they'll actually schedule these games while they're struggling to defeat Christopher Lloyd when we play in Angels Stadium, but again who knows with the brain trust of scheduling geniuses. Again, Yankees/Dodgers will bring in a lot more ratings and money than a Yankees/Twins match up.

-For it's ONE, TWO, THREE TIMES THE PRICE AT THE OLD BALLGAAAAAAAAAME!

Ever look at the schedule at notice how whenever the Red Sox & Mets take a journey to the boogie down that the price of tickets tend to sliiiiiiightly rise a bit. Well, get ready for more of that for the same reasons I mentioned up above. We might not go out to Cali-forn-i-a to play the Dodgers or Giants, but what if they come here? Well that's a guaranteed sell-out and they will charge as much as a Mets or Red Sox series. Hell, they did it with the Phillies interleague game when they came back to the Bronx in 2010, so they're 0% chance they don't do it with these two teams, or the Phillies again, or the Braves or any other narrative excuse they can think of.

- Yanksploitation 

I hope I'm not blowing anyone's mind here, but the Yankees are the most marketable team in baseball. Interleague has already proven that countless times, with fantastic stories about how when Yankees come to town, stadiums get more fans. Shocking, I know. Take a minute to breath if you couldn't believe that fact. Well with year long interleague, guess which team is going to be used more to get more money out of places that don't make as much? If you guessed the Yankees, I'm proud of you. Keep in mind, with this one I'm probably stretching a bit, but again there's no reason to think they won't want to milk the profit out of our pinstriped titties!

- More of the same shit plus even more shitty shit filled shit

What really upsets me about this heaping helping of horsehockey is that nothing is really going to change for the better. This could be feasibly be a chance to make everything more balanced again. Not only that, but it would be a better chance to create a more unified sport, by forcing the NL to adopt the DH finally, and thus making interleague really not that big of a deal overall, cause if you're going to make interleague a year-round thing then it's only fair to have both leagues have the same rules. However, they won't do that because it has the potential to drive away a lot of classic baseball purists who are already pissed at a lot of the moves Selig has already made. Not only that, but you can fully expect that extra Wild Card team to come into play as well. The schedule will still not be balanced and it will get worse because they will fully exploit year-long interleague in chocolate covered cockmoronic ways (gotta stop watching Food Network while being profane) because the only reason interleague was created to begin with was to make more money, so there's no reason for them to stop.

Fuck you Selig and your Irritable Bowel Syndrome methods of making baseball "better."