The Brilliant Fan Guide to a Perfect Off-Season

by Brandon C. on Oct 25, 2011 9:00 AM EDT in Miscellaneous

Note: This post is from an email sent to me. The user gave me permission to post this, as long as I do not use their user name. Feel free to comment your thoughts, or just laughter! Enjoy! I did not edit, or change this email in the slightest.

Dear Brandon,

I worry about the Yankees off season. The Red Sox are on the upswing the Rays are potentially the best team in the mlb and the Blue Jays have a ton of pitching. Their hitting is John Lackeying. Speaking of Lackey that guy is a bum. The Red Sox would be smart to trade him to the Indians for Sizemore. CC Sabathia should be named Sizemore actually.

Anywhoo the Yankees need to make some big moves. Big as in resigning the big man himself CC Sabathia. Chris Charles (Brandon note: CC's real name is Carsten Charles) Sabathia is a force to be recognized with and other teams would agree. Would you agree? I agree. Phil Hughes is a good young pitcher with a good young arm that can get hitters out. Thats the goal in baseball as you know. Except for hitters they wanna make their fans proud by hitting long balls that arent caught. A.J. Burnett-or as I like to call him A.J. Badnett- is bad. We should trade him to the Reds along with Cervelli and maybe Betances for Votto. Votto can play first Teshera can play dh and the Yankees can trade Rodriguez to the Dodgers for Matt Kemp.

No Swisher! Down with Swisher! The guy is too happy like a bear or something. Swisher needs to stop smiling and hit the ball seriously. The Yankees should not pick up his option as it is too heavy. Get it? The Yankees should round out their rotation of CC-AJ-Nova-Hughes-? With Braden Looper. Looper has a cool name and has closed before so if Mo loses arm strength he can take over there. Looper also is a good fifth starter but not a good first.

Ever think about moving Jaba to long relief so he can throw more innings? His arm troubles are from the lack of innings so we should fix that. Mitre could have had the same problem. Mitre needs to meet the tray across his head and never show up because of the fear from that. Hahaha!

Finally it is time for the Cash Man- Brian Cashman- to go. Home. Or away I don't care. Get him off the Yankees. All he does is sit around or dance around and never make any moves. The 20010 trade deadline was a mess and the Yankees did nothing and they lost. Boo. We need a good gm like Omar The Champion Minaya who at least gets you closer to the playoffs. I will hire him myself if we need to.

Finally the Yankees need to make it a top priority to move the fences in like the Mets are doing. Create more home runs and in hance the play of base ball. Good day to you sir and let us be going Yankees! Get it?

Tweet Comment 52 comments | 1 recs |

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Did you write this yourself, Brandon?

I had to laugh at this whole thing.

A.J. Burnett-or as I like to call him A.J. Badnett- is bad. We should trade him to the Reds along with Cervelli and maybe Betances for Votto. Votto can play first Teshera can play dh and the Yankees can trade Rodriguez to the Dodgers for Matt Kemp.

LOL

by pastor2b on Oct 25, 2011 9:32 AM EDT reply actions

I completely agree with all of the sediment deposited in this post.

Could you please explain the ‘not picking up Swisher’s option because it is too heavy’ advice? I don’t get that. Also, what about Scott Proctor?

by designatedquitter on Oct 25, 2011 9:44 AM EDT reply actions

Swisher is too happy

Like a BEAR! Bears are happy right?

"Son, Nobody is half as good as Mickey Mantle"

by ntrokel on Oct 25, 2011 10:34 AM EDT up reply actions

winner

"When you give the Yankees a reprieve, they get up out of the chair and electrocute the warden." - Henry McLemore, Hearst Newspapers, 1941

by Captain_Mick on Oct 25, 2011 9:52 AM EDT reply actions

Im sure the Reds would love to trade Votto for two below average players. But if we trade Badnett then how can Looper round out our rotation of CC-AJ-Nova-Hughes?

And why would we move Votto to third if we are getting rid of Arod?

But the Jaba stuff is common knowledge. Less innings = more wear on your arm

Yes, that is Spike Lee.

by TheRealSlimShady on Oct 25, 2011 10:05 AM EDT reply actions

After reading that article I know why they didnt want their name released. WOW

by PolishMiracle on Oct 25, 2011 10:23 AM EDT reply actions

x

by GriffMan on Oct 25, 2011 10:32 AM EDT reply actions

come on, people

This is clearly a joke.

by long time listener on Oct 25, 2011 10:37 AM EDT reply actions

Yeah, after reading this more closely I gotta agree

No one, and I mean NO ONE, wants to hire Omar ‘The Champion’ Minaya.

"Son, Nobody is half as good as Mickey Mantle"

by ntrokel on Oct 25, 2011 10:43 AM EDT up reply actions

You'd be surprised

and I wouldn’t put it past anyone on the internet to send the above e-mail as an authentic message (meaning, not meant as a joke).

by phonty on Oct 25, 2011 11:02 AM EDT up reply actions

I think some of the things in there are plausible arguments made by ill-informed people

But stringing them all together like that is too much.

by long time listener on Oct 25, 2011 11:07 AM EDT up reply actions

it's a stretch

but I’m giving Brandon the benefit of the doubt.

by phonty on Oct 25, 2011 11:11 AM EDT up reply actions

for the sake of humanity

i hope its all a joke

by GriffMan on Oct 25, 2011 11:34 AM EDT up reply actions

I think Brandon is in on it

by long time listener on Oct 25, 2011 11:39 AM EDT up reply actions

Not necessarily

But, referring to our favorite ex-Mets GM as “Omar The Champion Minaya” makes me suspect that the author of this email has joined us for either the survivor football league, or A2A. Brandon likes naming himself “Brandon the Champion” and the coincidence is too much, I think.

/TakesOffDetectivesFedora

by waw on Oct 25, 2011 11:47 AM EDT up reply actions

I’m not creative enough to write this mess. C’mon, you should know that.

Follow me on twitter @nyybrandonc

Writer/Editor for Pinstripe Alley, Blueshirt Banter

"No matter what I talk about, I always get back to baseball."

"Every day is a great day for hockey."

by Brandon C. on Oct 25, 2011 12:46 PM EDT up reply actions

didn't say you wrote it

Just that you were in on it.

by long time listener on Oct 25, 2011 12:54 PM EDT up reply actions

I feel like I’m supposed to say “What do you mean it” or something, but I actually do not know what you are talking about!

Follow me on twitter @nyybrandonc

Writer/Editor for Pinstripe Alley, Blueshirt Banter

"No matter what I talk about, I always get back to baseball."

"Every day is a great day for hockey."

by Brandon C. on Oct 25, 2011 1:14 PM EDT up reply actions

I agree with you that it's probably written in jest

Too many parts of that post are like running jokes on PSA. Trading bad players for MVP candidates, the Omar Minaya reference, and the “Would you agree?” part all made me suspicious.

But just for these two quotes, this email is a win:

CC Sabathia should be named Sizemore actually.

Down with Swisher! The guy is too happy like a bear or something.

Well done, Random Bored Internet Guy!

by waw on Oct 25, 2011 11:35 AM EDT up reply actions

the CC/Sizemore is my favorite

by long time listener on Oct 25, 2011 11:40 AM EDT up reply actions

first thing I thought was this must be IGYAR or someone

but why hide the name? if this is serious though then i would appreciate it if not every piece of crap got published on the website. This isn’t Bleacher Report. I can’t believe that this could be serious though.

by jetanumba2 on Oct 25, 2011 10:54 AM EDT up reply actions

Dave Eiland has returned to baseball

Royals hire Dave Eiland as their pitching coach.

by Branta on Oct 25, 2011 12:27 PM EDT reply actions

Good for him! Happy to hear it.

Follow me on twitter @nyybrandonc

Writer/Editor for Pinstripe Alley, Blueshirt Banter

"No matter what I talk about, I always get back to baseball."

"Every day is a great day for hockey."

by Brandon C. on Oct 25, 2011 12:47 PM EDT up reply actions

One might say that before he got this job he was The Lonely Eiland.

Follow me on twitter @nyybrandonc

Writer/Editor for Pinstripe Alley, Blueshirt Banter

"No matter what I talk about, I always get back to baseball."

"Every day is a great day for hockey."

by Brandon C. on Oct 25, 2011 12:47 PM EDT up reply actions

stop

@OneJay76

by NumberSeven on Oct 25, 2011 2:29 PM EDT up reply actions

in fact, he's a very hard guy to replace. after all...

no man is an eiland

by sing_or_die_1818 on Oct 25, 2011 10:27 PM EDT up reply actions

the 20010 trade deadline

i think that’s a ways off

I'd like to thank the good Lord for making me a Yankee fan.

by NJsandman on Oct 25, 2011 1:21 PM EDT reply actions

never too early to plan ahead

by long time listener on Oct 25, 2011 1:33 PM EDT up reply actions

I wonder if Xemnos Fleagelstratos will be available for free agency then

"WHO WOULD LEAD?! THE CLOWN?!"

by I'mGivingYouARaise on Oct 25, 2011 1:57 PM EDT up reply actions

he'll cost too much

We should just re-sing Pitchbot9000. Maybe upgrade to 9000.2.

by long time listener on Oct 25, 2011 2:17 PM EDT up reply actions

I prefer re-signing it!

Follow me on twitter @nyybrandonc

Writer/Editor for Pinstripe Alley, Blueshirt Banter

"No matter what I talk about, I always get back to baseball."

"Every day is a great day for hockey."

by Brandon C. on Oct 25, 2011 2:26 PM EDT up reply actions

I stand by what I wrote

by long time listener on Oct 25, 2011 2:43 PM EDT up reply actions

Good confidence in your speech!

Follow me on twitter @nyybrandonc

Writer/Editor for Pinstripe Alley, Blueshirt Banter

"No matter what I talk about, I always get back to baseball."

"Every day is a great day for hockey."

by Brandon C. on Oct 25, 2011 2:45 PM EDT up reply actions

He'll be worth the extra money

With 5 arms, he is practically an entire pitching staff by himself!

by pastor2b on Oct 25, 2011 2:33 PM EDT up reply actions

I don't know

Pitchbot9000 might not bring as much power behind his fastball laser cutter like Xemnos, who’s 47x Earth’s gravity pitching training yields far superior strength. Plus, the advertisement alone might be worth the extra money.

"WHO WOULD LEAD?! THE CLOWN?!"

by I'mGivingYouARaise on Oct 25, 2011 2:36 PM EDT up reply actions

I don't know

Pitchbot is huge in the robot market. They’ll be lining up to get Pitchbot holocards.

by long time listener on Oct 25, 2011 2:44 PM EDT up reply actions

True

But we should have Catchtron behind the plate as well, if they’re willing to give him an extra year.

"WHO WOULD LEAD?! THE CLOWN?!"

by I'mGivingYouARaise on Oct 25, 2011 2:57 PM EDT up reply actions

I don't know about the extra year

Catchtron’s warranty is near expiring.

by long time listener on Oct 25, 2011 3:15 PM EDT up reply actions

True.

He has been catching for 158 years now. I believe 160 is the limit. Plus, he’s had joint & processor problems in the past which have put him on the DL

"WHO WOULD LEAD?! THE CLOWN?!"

by I'mGivingYouARaise on Oct 25, 2011 3:20 PM EDT up reply actions

I wonder if he'll make the HOF

He did lose those years fighting with the Killbots in the Octillian system. A grim day for robot-kind.

by long time listener on Oct 25, 2011 3:27 PM EDT up reply actions

Almost a grim day for mankind as well

"WHO WOULD LEAD?! THE CLOWN?!"

by I'mGivingYouARaise on Oct 25, 2011 3:35 PM EDT up reply actions

Not to mention that his hitting program has been obsolete for half his career

They tried to install the newest program, but he just doesn’t have enough RAM, and there aren’t enough rams in the universe to fix that problem!

by pastor2b on Oct 25, 2011 4:05 PM EDT up reply actions

I heard that his nuclear-polonium ion battery was not running at the optimal capacity, which stunted his rehab.

by bloppy_ploppy on Oct 25, 2011 7:05 PM EDT up reply actions

or Jamie Moyer

he’ll probably still be around

I'd like to thank the good Lord for making me a Yankee fan.

by NJsandman on Oct 25, 2011 2:39 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions 2 recs

LOL

rec’d

by pastor2b on Oct 25, 2011 4:03 PM EDT up reply actions

My favorite line

We need a good gm like Omar The Champion Minaya who at least gets you closer to the playoffs. I will hire him myself if we need to.

This is the one that really makes me scratch my head at the seriousness of the email… I mean people can get crazy in concocting their own trade scenarios— but Omar over Cash, leads me to believe this person should be locked up without internet access.

@OneJay76

by NumberSeven on Oct 25, 2011 2:31 PM EDT reply actions

LOL what the hell

This has to be a joke- I can’t possibly imagine somebody actually believing anything that is written. If they actually do believe it, well then maybe they need to consider becoming a fan of another team. Or another sport. Or possibly just another activity altogether!

Let us all congratulate the Boston Red Sox for becoming the first World Champions in the history of sports to NOT make the postseason! Thats not easy to do!

by nyyrocks29 on Oct 25, 2011 2:41 PM EDT reply actions