PANIC GUIDELINES

The good people of Designated Quitter have become distressed at the inordinate amount of panic expressed by readers of this site over common and mundane events in the fortunes of their favorite team.  Usually, this takes the form of excessive worry over fairly minor events.

Months of research have yielded a 1 to 10 table which indicates the appropriate amount of panic which various events should generate, with 10 being the end of the world as you know it.   Simply find the troubling event, or its closest analogue, and check the number on the left. That's how much you should panic on a 10 scale.

For people who prefer the metric system, the same information appears on the right, expressed in the metric unit of concern, the "cervelli."

AMERICAN SYSTEM                                             METRIC SYSTEM

1               Ramiro Pena hangnail                       1. Francisco Cervelli hangnail (glove hand)

2 Boone Logan unavailable today                     2. Cervelli batting glove getting worn out

3 Jeter hit on wrist, says "I’m fine."                    3. Cervelli hit on wrist, says "I’m fine."

4 Kyle Farnsworth signs minor league deal   4. Cervelli hit on wrist, says "Ouch"

5 Arod goes to a disco, shakes hips.               5. Cervelli worries about sick relative, concentration 

6 Andy Pettitte out 5 weeks                                 6. Cervelli unavailable, day game after night game

7 Jeter hit on wrist, says "I’m fine."                    7. Cervelli has passport problems, visited by Immigration Office

8 CC Sabathia announces he may                   8. Cervelli loses glove, mask, and bat

become a competitive eater

9 Ghost of Steinbrenner assumes control       9. Cervelli goes on 15 day DL

 of all future trades  

10 Kyle Farnsworth and Cody Ransom            10. Cervelli traded

added to active roster